As soon as her mother pulled out the cookies from the oven, she put them in the cookie jar. As a result as soon as she lifted the lid Nancy could smelled the fresh cookies in the jar. They smelled so good she just had to try one, she reached her hand in and suddenly she touched a chocolate chip cookie that began to melt on her fingers and hand. Slowly she bit through the warm chocolate chip cookie that was still warm from the oven. She could hear the crumbs bouncing onto the ground like a ball had bounced.
Mmmmmmm I really want a warm chocolate chip cookie now. Your writing really made me smell and taste the cookie. I loved your use of 'slowly she bit through the warm chocolate chip cookie ...'. That is exactly how you should enjoy cookies. Well done Paige.
ReplyDeleteHi Paige
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking part in 100WC this week.
What a fun story you've written. I can smell the cookies! You have managed to create a picture in my mind of the warm kitchen, the lovely smell, and Nancy just not being able to stop her hand creeping into the jar - whatever mum might say...
I like the way you started your story with some action that 'set the scene' for the rest of the story. Your last sentence with the simile of the crumbs bouncing like balls was very descriptive too.
I would just recommend that you read your writing out loud, either to yourself or to a friend, when you've finished - that will help to make sure you use the right word ("smelled" in the second sentence should be "smell") and that you don't repeat yourself (eg did you spot that you said the "warm" chocolate chip cookie that was still "warm"? You could delete the first "warm").
But what a great piece of writing. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Well done Paige,
Mrs Hastings, Pt Chevalier, Auckland, New Zealand
Hi Paige,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your writing with us on the 100WC website, due to children being on holiday in the UK last week, there are less than 800 entries this week, but still some excellent writing.
What I like about your writing...
* You have used some fantastic descriptive vocabulary that really brought your writing to life, it reminded me of an advert we have on TV in the UK for Marks & Spencers food! Well done.
* You have thought about using your senses in your writing, rather than just focusing on sight, which is the easiest sense to write about. Using smell, touch and taste makes a huge difference for your readers.
What I'd love to see next time...
# I felt that the simile used at the end of your writing was a little awkward. If I picture crumbs falling, I think small, maybe mini boulders rolling, rather than balls bouncing.
What do you think?
I'm recommending your entry for the showcase this week.
Well done and keep writing. :)
Mrs Tucker (100WC Team)
Wirral, UK.
Hi Paige
ReplyDeleteIt is fantastic to see that your writing is being recognised worldwide. If only chocolate was a vegetable then my life would be so much easier. Instead my wife hides whatever chocolate she has and even though I crawl under the house and shimmy along in the the ceiling I still cannot find it.
Maybe you could bring your mother's chocolate chip recipe to school and we will make it and I (um I mean we) will eat the results. In fact do we even need to cook the dough?
Keep up the great writing!
After reading this I'm thinking we might have to make some chocolate chips cookies one day very soon, yum I can almost taste them! Well done, beautiful writing :)
ReplyDelete